tsthotiot

I guess I never realized that the time period that occurs after you stop feeling like you want to die every day is much much more anguish.

I want to live now now. But that also comes with the added frustration of the want vs needs and differing the two.

Figuring out what is actually appropriate to expect. When my entire life up until now I have expected the most from myself. I would disappoint myself pretty much every day. I still do. But it's a bit better than it was.

I mentioned I used to journal to my therapist and she said it would be good to.

I don't know why I stopped. I do but also, why I continued to stop writing after baffles me.

I lost a lot of confidence with my last relattionship. She would read my journals and analyze me after my therapy sessions asking what they said about her and what I said in it.

I am a very bitter person. I don't necessarily blame her, just the situations she put me in and the situations I put myself in.

I have come a really long way from where I was three years ago. I have to keeo reminding myself that.

It's exhausting haveing an over active mind.

I will get through the day and want that to be enough fof myself. Simply to get through the day, but its not most of the time. I need to reprogram my brain from what it was. I was conditioned otherwise and I think that stems into a lot of self hatred & doubts I have about where I am in life.

It is also extremely exhausting to reassure myself all of the time which leaves little energy for me to comfort anyway else. No wonder I get so short tempered with my girlfriend. I think I have been running in empty fo rso long I forgot what it was to let things go. I am holding onto thing sin my palms.

It's like I forgot I was holding onto all of this baggage and it gives me something to feel so I squeeze onto it afraid if I let go I won't feel anything. I don't feel things in such extremes anymore and it makes me feel like I am missing pieces of myself. By not feeling like I used to.

I'm not used to feeling this way. It's only been a few months since I've been on this new medication, but, how do you tell people that something is working when you never actually feel like it is?

I strive to start journaling every day to get my thoughts out. I am tired today, groggy, fatigued. I see the sun trickling into my window. I consider going for a walk but quickly decline it and am going to lay back down instead. It is only 55 degrees in may.

So I will end this by saying some positive things

Dad made it out of surgery OK (for his bowl resection, guess its genetic to get holes in your intestines in my family)

I have made a goal to go for one walk per week with my roommate and her dog. So far, so good.

I slept good today

I have gotten better taking care of my hygiene needs. I am just afraid to get the sores I get on my legs so I upped it.

My guinea pig is precious and I love her. I love spending time with her.